


TAZ Porn Drabbles

by empyreanTempest



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: AU where everything is horny, Choking, Hand Jobs, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Sorry, Large Insertion, M/M, Omorashi, Orcs, Poor simulacrum of orcish language, Reader-Insert, Rimming, Taako referred to as being slender, This is DUMB, Unrealistic depictions of anal sex, Urination, Verbal Humiliation, alcohol use, dubious wizardy sex products, ok i know the language i used is based off of LOTR orcs and not D&D ones but it was all i could find, still sorry what up
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-02
Updated: 2017-09-17
Packaged: 2018-12-10 02:19:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11681979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/empyreanTempest/pseuds/empyreanTempest
Summary: I feel bad spamming the fandom with shitty porno fics so I'm gonna gather them up here. Chapter titles will be clearly labelled so you can avoid kinks you don't like.Chapter 1: Taako fucks an orcChapter 2: Taako wets himselfChapter 3: Taako wets himself again, but this time with a reader insert flairChapter 4: Taako/Reader wherein Taako verbally teases you, gives you a handjob, uses a wizard enema on you (it's clean though I promise), and generally makes you feel loved





	1. Taako/Orc (large insertion, anal sex, choking)

Taako knew what he liked and how to get it. What he liked was a nice, meaty dick fucking him without abandon. How to get it meant going to the right taverns, at the right time of day, and finding the right kind of people. The right taverns were the seedy kind, usually nearby orc settlements. The right time of day was dusk. And the right kind of people were large, intimidating orcs.

However, it was honestly a little difficult to find the right orc for the job. Sure, there were half-orcs and humans and even dwarves that fit the bill, but they were a lot harder to come by. Orcs were definitely the best choice. The problem was finding an orc that was attracted to a lithe frame and long hair. Contrary to popular belief, most orcs didn't want to fuck something they could easily crush. Taako was often rejected or outright laughed at for being too puny, but he'd been around the block enough times now that he could tell just by observation if he'd get a yes or a no.

He just so happened to be at the right tavern ("The Suckling Pig") at the right time, and was currently eyeing someone who appeared to be the right person. He was definitely large, and going by the sheer amount of empty beer steins that littered his table, he was definitely the right amount of drunk. He kept staring at Taako in a decidedly unabashed manner, which led Taako to believe that he was the right orc for the job.

So Taako sauntered over to the orc's table, never breaking eye contact. He very deliberately sat in the seat next to the orc and leaned close to him. "Hey, big fella," he said, grinning casually. "What's your name?"

The orc looked him head to toe. "Yerug."

"Hey, Yerug, my man. I'm Taako. How's it going?"

"...Good."

"That's great, me too. Heavy drinker, huh?" Taako motioned to the steins. The orc didn't respond, but simply stared straight into Taako's eyes.

So far so good.

"Look, I'll shoot you straight, Yerug. I'm looking for an orc to fuck me like their dick is gonna fall off tomorrow. Are you that orc?"

There was a beat. Maybe this guy wasn't too used to conversation like this.

Suddenly Yerug stood up. "Come," he said simply, and headed off toward the stairs.

"Don't mind if I do," Taako replied, sliding out of his chair and following Yerug.

The tavern didn't have the best beds—they basically amounted to old sackcloths filled with straw—but that didn't matter. Taako wasn't exactly looking to be comfortable at the moment, anyway. Half of the appeal of taking a huge dick was the discomfort it brought! Doing it in a shady place on a shitty bed with a total stranger just made it even better. And so Taako took a seat on the scratchy "mattress," not bothering to smooth his flirtily-cut skirt over his behind.

"So how are we doing this, Yerug my dude? You want me to suck you off a little, or—Oh." Yerug had already doffed his trousers to reveal his semi-hard cock, easily the size of Taako's forearm. "I'm not even gonna ask how you managed to hide that under there, I don't even give a shit. All I know is I want that dick inside me yesterday."

"Lulgijak ready?" Yerug asked simply.

"It's Taako. And hell yeah, I came prepared." Taako lifted his skirt to reveal his lack of undergarments and his own semi-hardon, then braced himself against the bedframe and scooted back onto his tailbone to show off his ass, which currently had a round, black object sticking out of it. "And you have no idea how hard it was to walk normally with this shit inside. You can say I'm a bit of a pro." He twisted and pulled and painstakingly removed the plug, which he sat aside. His asshole was gaping in what must have been an alluring way, because Yerug's cock twitched and bounced heavily.

Yerug moved forward, but Taako held a hand up. "Hold up, one more thing." He reached into a small satchel that was tied to the waistband of his skirt, retrieving a small bottle. "Wizard lube. Can't forget it." He upended the bottle onto his hand, then took to slicking his hole as best as he was able. Then he tossed the bottle to Yerug. "Put this on too," he said. When Yerug seemed confused, he clarified: "On your dick."

Once they were both sufficiently lubed up, Taako settled onto his back with both of his feet up on the bedframe. "Okay, big guy. Fuck me."

Yerug wasted no time in doing so. He practically lunged forward, slicked-up cock in hand, and shoved his way into Taako's ass. Taako choked on his next breath, coughing and then laughing as Yerug worked at filling him up. "Ffffffuck yeah, my dude," he mumbled, staring at the ceiling.

Yerug paid him no mind. When it seemed he had reached as far as he was able, he simply pulled back and hammered himself in again. Taako's head was dangerously close to hitting the wall the bed was up against, but he could not give less of a shit. Now that they had gotten started, he wanted to be bruised and battered a little bit.

"Lulgijak," Yerug snarled, spittle flying from his mouth onto Taako's face. "You so small, so frail. But take cock well."

"Yeah, well," Taako murmured, his words broken up by heavy breaths every time he was thrust into. "I'm an... old hand at this... big guy. This ain't my first—" Here he groaned as loud as he could, tipping his head back to rest on the mattress once more. "Rodeo! Fuck!"

Yerug was grunting now, obviously exerting quite a bit of effort. It was almost as if he was trying to break the elf at this point. "Yerug zorrat lat. Yerug thrak egur ob Karanzol!"

"Shit yeah, dude, I have no idea what the fuck you're saying but I am digging it!" Taako reached down and palmed his now completely erect cock, rubbing himself softly at first but then building intensity. He had never bothered to pick up any orcish phrases in his many adventures. He knew they were saying nasty things and that was more than fine with him.

Upon noticing that Taako was now effectively jerking himself off, Yerug barked a laugh. "Lat onreinn. Yerug like."

"Oh yeah? You diggin' this too? Want to know what'll make it feel even better?"

"What?"

Taako lifted one of the orc's heavy arms and placed his hand upon his throat. "Choke me, big guy. Show me how strong you are."

Yerug grinned. "Yerug fukishamhai. Lat losug." With that, he closed his fingers around Taako's skinny neck. Immediately Taako was seeing stars, black fuzz encroaching on his eyesight as his throat was very forcibly closed. With his last bit of breath, he choked out another laugh and began jerking himself off furiously. It didn't feel like Yerug was gonna give up and let Taako breathe. Was he seriously going to die like this?

With a bevy of twitches and gasps, Taako came. The last thing he remembered before blacking out was Yerug laughing, still thrusting away.

 

Eventually Taako woke up. The room was empty save for himself and the shoddy tavern furniture. He was sore as all get out. He carefully, shakingly brought himself to a sitting position. Immediately he felt something leaking down his thigh. When he looked at the bedside table, there was a small pouch. He opened it, and there were coins inside.

"Jeez, you didn't have to..." But his words trailed off. He'd probably need the money to pay a cleric to fix him up anyway.


	2. Taako Omorashi (pants-wetting. i.e. urination)

The thing about being an adventurer was that you tended to walk a lot. The thing about walking a lot was that it made you thirsty. The thing about being thirsty was that you drank heavily. These were simple facts of life.

Facts of life that Taako was dealing with right now. He was walking beside his stagecoach with Sazed at the reins, nursing from a wineskin. They were miles from the next town where Taako would be performing, and he always insisted on walking at least part of the way. "Eating all that rich food can really add to your waistline, you know," he had once told Sazed.

And so he walked, and so he grew thirsty, and so he drank more and more wine. It was getting to the point where he'd barely be able to walk in a straight line, so he tried to slow down, but strangely enough his thirst was never sated. It was also long past the point of nature's so-called calling, but he refused to stop. They were making good time. And sure, it would only take like a minute to pee, but it would take more than a minute to get the oxen up and walking again. They liked to feed on the grass, and once they got started, they were wont to keep going.

Taako glanced up at the stagecoach. Sazed's gaze was fixed ahead. He had no idea that Taako was in such a state. Taako moved a hand between his legs and kept it there, as if pressure would help alleviate the symptoms. It didn't.

He sighed and tossed the wineskin back into the stagecoach. Sazed looked behind him, but ultimately decided it was nothing worth getting concerned over—especially not when Taako insisted on "making good time"—and returned his gaze to the path. Good. That meant Taako could use his newly-freed hand to hold himself as well.

The party continued on like this for awhile. Time felt like it was moving by incredibly slowly. Taako considered asking how much farther they had to go (as if Sazed had an answer) but ultimately decided to keep his mouth shut. He didn't really want to be seen like this, holding himself the way a child would. And so he trudged on. Just a bit longer and the sun would go down, then they could set up camp and he could relieve himself. Everything was going to be fine! Never mind the fact that it was only midday.

It was getting more and more difficult to bite back sighs and groans and complaints. If only he had a bottle or something that wasn't already being used for some manner of cooking ingredient! Then he could just use that and wash it out later. Or, hell, they were surrounded by trees and other foilage, what was stopping him from simply whipping it out and pissing as he walked?

Probably the fact that he would most assuredly get some on his robes or trousers, and that just would not do. He wasn't going to do a show in urine-soaked clothing. At least not if he had anything to do with it.

Thinking about these sorts of things definitely was not helping. All the while, he could practically feel his overfilled bladder sloshing with every step. It was beginning to hurt, and the pressure still wasn't helping. If anything, it was making it worse.

Taako sighed again and apparently it was pretty loud, since Sazed turned around. As quickly as he could, Taako stood up straight and returned his hands to his sides.

"What's wrong?" Sazed asked.

"Nothing," Taako replied.

"You've been making weird noises for like the past five minutes. Do you need to stop?"

"Of course not! The show is tomorrow, we need to make it there by tonight. And we're—"

"—Making good time. Yeah, I get it. Just... Don't make yourself sick. I heard holding it in gives you bladder infections."

"Why, I have no idea what you mean. Whatever could I be holding?"

It was Sazed's turn to sigh. "Whatever, man. Just don't come crying to me when you get sick and there's not a doctor or anyone around to help you."

Taako snorted and looked away. But then he glanced back, just to check—Sazed wasn't looking at him anymore. He returned his hands to their spot between his legs, only to find his trousers were wet.

Shit.

The longer he held his hands there, the wetter it felt. Was... Was he seriously wetting himself right now? He barely felt anything but the ache of his full bladder. Certainly not...

Against better judgement, he lifted a hand to his nose and sniffed.

Fuck. Shit. He was pissing himself.

Was it the alcohol? Or had he simply waited too long? His mind was racing. The first thing he knew he should do, though, was move his hands away from his groin. But that seemed to just open the floodgates, as it were, and this time he felt a definite gush of urine seep into his underwear.

The relief was amazing, and that mixed with sheer horror was definitely an interesting combination. Fearing the worst, Taako glanced up at Sazed, only to find him staring straight ahead. Maybe he was asleep. Good.

Taako fell behind the stagecoach just until Sazed was out of sight, then he finally relaxed. Immediately his trousers were soaked through, some areas glistening in the sun as they were freshly wet. It was all he could do to keep from sighing. It felt good, but he also sort of hated himself.

It had easily been hundreds of years since he last wet himself. He didn't even remember the last time. It wasn't really something he thought about until now, when he found himself taking bowlegged steps to keep the clinging fabric from chafing his thighs as he walked.

This fucking sucked. It was the worst.

On the other hand, he felt amazing. All that pressure that had long since built up, gone in an instant. And just like that, the gush slowed to a trickle, and he seemed to be finished.

So that was one problem dealt with. Now he just had to figure out how to hide this from Sazed. He wracked his mind, sort of dazed from the relief mixed with the shame and alcohol. But damn it, he was a wizard, and he was capable, and he could fix this. Fire Bolt? That would dry off his clothes, but also set them on fire, and then they probably wouldn't be clothes anymore. Light? He could blind Sazed, sure. Or Magic Missile and just straight up murder the guy. That's a great idea.

But then it came to him, something he should've thought of instantly. Disguise Self. Perfect. Maybe he'd get a little raw between the legs, but that was nothing compared to the humiliation he'd experience if Sazed saw him like this. It was worth the spell slot.

And so, Taako cast Disguise Self and disguised himself to look exactly the same, except a lot less wet. It didn't last forever, but certainly it would last long enough for his clothes to dry off. It would work. This was going to work.

 

That evening, when they finally reached the village and began setting up camp, Taako made the mistake of walking too close to Sazed as he was pounding stakes into the ground. "Hey, do you smell something weird?"


	3. Taako/Reader omo (hurt/comfort)

Whoever decided that a strategic moon base needed a hot date spot was going to be your best friend, you think to yourself. And whoever decided to name it the Chug & Squeeze deserved a medal. If there was anything you enjoyed, it was chugging things while squeezing other things... like wine. And clay. And those just so happened to be the Chug & Squeeze's specialties.

So here you were, at the local drunk pottery barn with your beautiful elf boyfriend, Taako. Luckily he shared a lot of your same interests--namely chugging. Less squeezing, but more chugging. Which was fine with you! He had a tendency to go overboard and drink till he had to piss like a racehorse, which then you got to either witness or listen to. You were far from admitting the fact that you had a certain interest in this act--certainly he'd be creeped out if he knew you were way too into watching him squirm and then loudly relieve himself. So you didn't say anything, but happily obliged in helping him with the task when he was too drunk to help himself.

He was getting to that point now. The two of you had been at the Chug & Squeeze for a couple hours now, indulging in all the fine drink and squishy clay you could handle. Taako was oddly quiet. Usually when he drank, you had to shush him every time he opened his mouth. Now he's simply squishing the clay between his fingers, occasionally taking small sips of wine. You watch him. He looks... Sad?

Before you can say anything, he speaks up. His tone is suspiciously even. "Hey, let's get out of here, okay?" He says.

You pause. "What's up?"

"Nothin'. Just... Tired. Let's go to my dorm."

If he said anything about wanting to talk, you were going to get very suspicious very quickly. As it was, though, you were only mildly suspicious. "All right."

The two of you stand, and immediately Taako wobbles and hangs on to your shoulder for support. He looks a little green around the gills.

"Are you going to be okay?" You ask, rubbing his back.

"Yeah, just... Gotta go."

You perk up silently. "Gotta pee?"  
"Yeah."

He wasn't usually this somber about it. This was getting weird. But you let him lean on you and start making your way back to his dormitory. As you're walking, you notice his stance is a little awkward. He's leaning on you, but in such a way that it seems like he's trying to touch you as little as possible. He's also tugging his tunic down over his front...

Oh.

"Uh, hey," you begin, still taking careful steps. "Did you, uh... Have an accident?"

Taako furrows his brow and looks down, but says nothing.

You are very, very interested now, but you try to hide it. "Hey, man, it's okay... Happens to the best of us, you know?"

Taako shakes his head. You keep walking. Does he really feel that bad about it? You lapse into silence and focus on keeping the wobbly elf upright while he insists on walking in such a weird way.

Suddenly you hear a small gasp, and Taako freezes. You can't help but turn your gaze downwards, and you catch a glimpse of a dark spot running down his leggings.

"Sh...it," Taako mumbles. "Fuck. [name], I don't think I'm gonna make it." He sounds like he's about to cry.

"It's... it's fine!" You say, in a falsely bright tone. "Let's go faster, okay?" With that, you clutch his shoulder and start speedwalking back to the dorms. You can hear his boots squeaking against the tile floors with each step.

Holy shit. Your boyfriend is peeing himself, and you get to watch.

This was something entirely different from watching him relieve himself of his own volition. To see someone usually so confident, now hunched over and cursing quietly as his urine pattered against the ground... It was amazing. You hated that he was so sad about it, but...

"It's okay, it's okay," you repeat to him, as if it's some sort of mantra. "You'll be fine. It'll be okay."

Taako just groans in response.

Finally you're at the door of his room. You try the door only to find it's locked. "Fuck. Do you have the key?"

He nods. "In my bag." He sort of jostles his shoulder to indicate it.

There's a beat. "Can you get it out for me, please?!" He practically shouts, his voice breaking. You give a little start, then reach for his bag and start digging around.

You can't help but notice that, as you're standing there, a small puddle is forming at Taako's feet. Both of his hands are crushed between his legs, and you can see they're wet too.

And you hate to admit it, but you just cannot find the key in this bag. It must have a charm on it to make it hold an incredible amount of stuff, because you keep digging and you can tell you're touching different things, but none of them are the key. "I can't find it," you finally admit. "I'm sorry..."  
Taako groans in exasperation. "I'm seriously going to fucking piss myself if I move my hands," he says quietly.

You swallow thickly. "It's fine. We can clean it up."

You're both quiet for a moment. Taako is shaking, his eyes are closed as tight as they can be. He takes a deep, shuddering breath, holds it, and...

He moves his hands away from his groin and almost immediately there's a strong gush of urine. You can hear it hiss as it passes through his oversaturated leggings and splashes against the ground. He grabs his bag and starts rifling through it. All the while, piss is gushing down his legs. The puddle is spreading.

Finally he pulls out a key, but his hands are shaking. You take the key from him and open the door, which Taako immediately runs through. There's a little trail of pee when you peek inside, and it leads all the way to his bathroom. You can hear the toilet seat lift and then be sat upon, and then an unabashed sigh of relief followed by a trickle.

You can't help but smile to yourself.

 

"It's okay," you murmur. After cleaning up the Bureau's floors, Taako bathed and changed into the softest pajamas he owned. Clearly he was upset, but you were determined to comfort him. "Shit happens, dude. And I don't think anybody noticed."

He's quiet. You kiss his forehead. "I still love you," you offer.

He sniffles, then nuzzles into your chest. "Yeah. Love you too."


	4. Dumb, self-indulgent Taako/Reader (verbal teasing, handjobs, wizard enemas (its clean dont worry), and rimming)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reader is trans male, because I'm trans male and I wrote this for me because I'm selfish. I hope someone else gets a kick out of it too, which is why I'm posting it. Anyway, here are the words used to refer to the reader's genitals in case you want to change them:
> 
> slit  
> clit  
> dick, little dick

Taako lay on top of you. His frame is slight, but somehow, he feels very heavy. It's a pleasant sensation, though—one that just served to remind you how close you were. Close to him. Taako. From TV.

He's kissing you, his tongue thrust inside your mouth, while his hands explored your body. They run over every inch of you, exploring you, claiming you as his own. And all you could do was lay back and take it, and you were grateful. This feels like everything you've ever wanted.

But Taako pulls away, a thin trail of saliva linking your mouths until he grins in that way he does. "You're so fucking cute, you know that?"

This flusters you. "Cute?" Is all you can muster.

"Yeah. With this look on your face like this is all you've ever wanted."

Your cheeks burn red.

"And now you're blushing! How sweet."

Instead of forming a proper response, you just lean forward and tuck your head in the crook of his neck.

Taako hums and you can feel the slight vibration. "Do you like it when I tease you?" He asks, his hand slowly dipping below your waist.

You give a start, then nod as furiously as you can manage in this position. Words are beyond you.

"Oh, silly boy," he said, his voice syrupy sweet. His hand moves down and medially and he's almost to your mons and you want to scream, but you don't. Instead you grab his shoulders and pull him close, making his arm flatten against your midsection. His hand falters.

Shit.

You exhale a breath you didn't realize you were holding and Taako laughs quietly. "You're so easy to mess with, you know that? It's hard to resist." There's a pause. "How far can we go tonight?"

This requires a verbal answer, which was too bad since you didn't really want to hear your own voice right now. It feels like you'd ruin everything if you spoke, but at the same time, he wasn't moving and probably wasn't going to without an answer.

"You doin' okay?" He asks, lifting his weight off you a bit. Suddenly you feel bereft.

"Yeah," you sigh. "I... You..."

He laughed a sort of it-can't-be-helped laugh. "Wanna do yes or no questions? Will that help?"

"...Yes."

"Do you want to stop?"

"No."

"You want me to keep touching you?"

"Yes."

Here he pauses, and you think you might have given a wrong answer. You can't bring yourself to look at him and gauge his reaction, though—too embarrassing. Instead you wait. "Listen," he finally begins. His voice was low and almost hoarse. "I really want to _tease_ you, you know? Can I tease you?"

You squirm under him. "I... I just don't know what you mean by that. I'm sorry."

It's Taako's turn to fidget a bit, as if changing position would make this easier to explain. "I want to _make fun_ of you. I mean, I promise I love you, but... When I think about it... I dunno, it just really gets me going, you know?" He accentuates his point with a thrust of his hips. You feel the hardness there. "So, I wanna tease you. And maybe touch your junk a little bit, if you're okay with that." There's a beat. "So, what do you say?"

What _do_ you say? Your immediate feeling is that whatever makes Taako happy would make you happy. But... Teasing... You didn't have the best past with being made fun of.

"Just," you begin, words forming in such a way that it barely felt like you were in control of them. "Just be gentle. Uh, I mean, not too mean. And..." You swallow your nerves. "You can... touch me. If you want."

Taako lowers himself down again. The weight is somehow comforting. "Awesome," he murmurs, his breath tickling your ear. "You're just... so fucking cute, you know?" His hand begins wandering down your midsection again. "You're like, so innocent. This isn't even our first time but it feels like you've never even been touched before. It's kind of amazing."

You laughed softly. "Are you like... a virgin fetishist, or something?"

"Hey," he says, almost sounding offended. " _I'm_ the one who's supposed to be doing the teasing, not you." As if to punish you, he moves his hand and suddenly he was sliding a finger along your slit. "Already wet. Such a pervert."

You throw your arms around his neck and try to pull him close, but he was pretty decently supporting himself on just one arm. It's actually sort of impressive. Or maybe you're just really weak. Either way, he's propped up above you, grinning down at you. You get the feeling that if he were to ask for all your money, you'd happily give it to him. You might even offer first.

"Pervert," he repeated. "Absolutely filthy." But there was love shining behind his eyes; his smile was so genuine. "Tell me what you want from me."

Damn it. More audience participation. You would have been perfectly content to lay back and enjoy the Taako Makes Fun of You show, but now this. You force yourself to be honest, which requires you squeeze your eyes shut. "Touch me," you mumble.

"Louder."

This was too much. "Touch me." Your voice was firmer.

"Mm, I dunno... I'm not really sure I felt the conviction behind it."

"Touch me, you dumb asshole!" You cry, and Taako barked with laughter.

"You're so cute when you're frustrated," he chuckled as he dipped his finger between your folds and found your clit. "Aww, your little dick is already hard."

You flinched. He's never called it that before, and apparently, he could sense that something was up because he froze.

"Uh, are you okay with me calling it that?"

You definitely were. "I definitely am."

He didn't skip a beat. "The littlest dick in the world," he cooed. His finger is running over and over your clit in _just_ the right way, and you decide to reward him by grinding against his hand. "Getting antsy, are we? C'mon, calm down, you're gonna get me all wet."

You settle back down and try to swallow your arousal.

"Is that all it takes?" Taako chides. "One little word, one little flick of the wrist, and you're like warm butter. You're so pathetic, it's adorable." He pinches your clit—or, your little dick—and you whine audibly, unabashedly. "Hey, flip over for a second."

You obey and you can almost feel Taako smirk. "Your butt is so cute," he whispers, almost like he's talking to himself. "Hey, can I spank you?"

You squirm again. All these difficult questions. "Just... Gently, okay?"

He spanks you, but it's more of an aggressive pat than a smack. He does that to one cheek, then the other, then he grabs them as best as he can and pushes up, exposing both of your holes to the world. You groan inwardly. It's a little bit humiliating, but Taako's presence somehow makes it better.

"I wanna fuck you," he breathes. and you feel his gaze on your body. "You look so fucking delicious like this. I wanna eat you up."

He kneels down and suddenly you can feel his hot breath on a very intimate area. Reflexively your muscles clench and he laughs. "Don't be shy. I'm gonna eat you out, okay?"

"Where?" You groan.

"Gonna be real here, Taako's an ass man. That okay with you?"

That was one place you never bothered to play with on your own. Sure, you liked to imagine it, but it always seemed... dirty. "Are... you sure? I haven't really... cleaned myself out, or anything."

"Wait right here," he says simply, and then disappears. You feel a bit silly with your ass up in the air all alone (at least it made more sense when your partner was here), but Taako returns in no time. He's holding a mysterious squeezy bottle.

"W... Wizard lube?" You ask feebly. You fail to see how this will help.

"Close," Taako replies, smiling away. "Wizard enema. Probably the most useful thing if you're a man of my proclivities."

"Always appears when you need it?"

"Not this one. But it's mess-free. All the cleanup with none of the cleanup, know what I mean?"

You don't know what he means, but you nod anyway.

"Okay, I'm gonna put it in your butt, okay? It's already lubed. And I'll squeeze, and you'll feel like a 'whoosh,' and then it'll be over with. Simple as that. Sound good?"

"Uh, sure," you mumble, quietly wondering who had time to invent all these weird wizard sex products.

Taako lifts your hips up again and you feel something prodding at your back entrance. After some convincing, it enters you, and it's the weirdest feeling ever, but you relax. Soon there'll be something even bigger in there, right?

"All right, count of three. Don't tense your muscles or it won't work as well. Just relaaaax. Okay?"

You nod again, and you hear the countdown, and you force yourself to relax as best as you can, and...

There's the whoosh. It's like someone blew air up your fucking asshole, and for a moment, you wonder if that's not exactly what happened and this whole relationship was just a ruse for Taako to play this trick on somebody. But he's not laughing, so that's a good sign. He removes the little tip, and you feel mysteriously squeaky clean.

"What the fuck," you say.

"Wizard enema," Taako replies.

At first you just chuckle, but then you break down into wracking sobs of laughter as tears run down your cheeks. You give up any pretense of being sexy and snort a little, rolling onto your back (and narrowly avoiding kicking Taako in the face) just so you can look at him. He's grinning his signature Taako grin.

"Your laugh is so fucking cute." And he leans down and kisses you, just once, just a gentle, chaste little thing, before sitting back up. "So, we doin' this, or what?"

You finish up your laughing fit and roll over again. This time, you manage to completely avoid hitting your partner, or maybe he dodges a little. Either way, you're back on your knees with your newly, magically clean ass in the air. "Go slow," you warn him. "I've never done anything like this."

"I'm not gonna put it in just yet," he says, and again you can feel his breath on you. And then you feel his wet, hot tongue as it slides all around the perimeter of your asshole, slicking you up in the weirdest way possible.

Almost instantly you're in the moment again. Whatever he's doing, he's good at it. You lose yourself in the sensation, surreptitiously sliding a hand between your legs to rub your dick. Your face is buried in the mattress and you almost can't breathe, but the light-headedness is just making things twice as good. With every swirl of his tongue, with every rub and pinch of your dick, you're getting closer and closer to the edge...

When he pulls away. Of course. And you feel obliged to stop jerking off, so you let your hand fall limply to the bed.

"Fuck," the two of you whisper at the same time.

"Why'd you stop?" You ask.

"Because I'm about to fucking explode over here," he mutters in response. You prop yourself up on your elbows and look behind you through your legs. He's touching himself in a way that looks like he really doesn't want to be touching himself.

You're quiet for a moment. "Um... Is there something I can do?"

He's quiet as well, really concentrating on that one certain part of himself. "Can I..." he begins, but immediately trails off again. He's not looking at you, rather he's looking at the bed in between his legs. You're not sure if he's trying to make himself come or not come. "Okay. I can't last longer than this tonight. But I just... _really_ want to come all over your ass. Can I? Please?"

You don't see the problem with that. You're a little tired, anyway—that fucking wizard enema really took something out of you—so you don't mind ending the heavy petting sesh without achieving penetration. "Yeah," you say, and you lean back down and wiggle your ass in a way you hope is enticing. "Come for me, Taako."

He grabs one of your ass cheeks, squeezing firmly, and moves closer. You feel him prodding you in that very specific spot again, this time with something a little harder. Your hand finds its way back to your dick and you're rubbing, and he's rubbing, and you hold your breath so you can listen to him breathe harder and harder, each exhale bringing with it a little groan. You're practically hammering on your little dick at this point. You can feel the edge getting closer and closer—

You feel something warm and wet in a very intimate area, and you tip over the edge.

 

Taako lay on top of you. His frame is slight, but somehow, he feels even heavier than he did before. It's like he's completely relaxed, helpless on top of you. You can't even be bothered by the weight. You're just glad to be close to him—him. Taako. From TV.


End file.
